Screwing with History #1

Screwing with History #1 - Spain 1489 - Jun 25th, 2004 1:24:06 pm EST

This story starts out sad and stinky, but by the end of it, I was not only satisfied, but I actually ended saving a marriage. How is that for charitable?

"L" the farmer was telling me that he was planning to attend the Renaissance Faire this summer, and Valentine told me that she was looking forward to working at a beer wench there. I've been to the Renaissance Faire before, and I have to say that all of the heaving bosoms in bodices make me want to go out and bite someone. I usually end up doing so because I have a bad habit of getting drunk off my ass on hard cider and mead. I think the jolly Irish drinking music and bulging men-in-tights buying me drinks might have something to do with it. Ah, the power of blowjobs!

Anyhow, I got all hot and horny from thinking about the world of creative anachronisms, so I decided to take a trip back to Spain 1489, just before confused sailor, Christopher Columbus left for America to spread smallpox/tuberculosis, prosletyze, do awful things to Caribs, impose dull European culture and bang hot Taino pussy. (It's true... read the letters at your local library.) Although I don't approve of anything else those guys did, I don't blame the sailor for falling in love with those Native American hotties. Puritanical bitches and Spanish babes (as cute and spicy as they are) have nothing on them.

Talk about disappointment! The real High Middle Age Europe stinks. Literally. It's one thing to read about it, but a whole other ballgame to actually see it. Yeah, the outfits are hot, but that doesn't make up for the fact that there were human feces and urine everywhere. People really don't appreciate city sewer systems until they're gone, or in this case, not there at all. Very few people understood the concept of bathing in that portion of history.

There is nothing worse than seeing a really bodacious wench with visible lice crawling on her head, stench coming out of her dress, and tartar all over her teeth. The worst part of this was the fact that none of the peasant guys wore tights -- just the royals, and quite frankly, inbred snobs do nothing for me.

I felt totally bummed until some soldiers started spouting some shit about vanquishing the Moorish menace. Then I remembered that the Spanish/Portugese Reconquest was still going on and that the Arabs had not been completely expelled, yet. This sounded promising to me, because I had heard that the Arabs of this time period were enlightened, beautiful people, with soft glowing skin with decent hygiene. Not quite the Renaissance encounter I came for, but definitely one worth seeking out.

I set my coordinates to Grenada, Spain, and when the time machine did its thing, I appeared inside an absolutely gorgeous place. It was a house with arched entrances and intricate carvings of Arabic text. There garden consisting of a rose parch, potted herbs, neatly groomed shrubbery, an orchard of figs trees and lemons. There was a pool surrounded by marble bricks and a set of water fountains decorated with a few water lilies and hyacints. The place was deserted. Being that it was a hot day, and there was a wall shielding me from the outside world, I decided to take a dip, since the water looked relatively clean. I tossed my clothes aside and jumped in. This place totally beat the Northern Spain Rena-stench, pants down.

Some pleasantly hairy guy in a turban, a long white dishy-dasha shirt and light baggy pants, screamed something in a language I couldn't understand. He seemed pretty pissed, so I got out of the water and grabbed my stun gun, just in case.

I think he was more freaked out than I was when he saw my nakedness. In a lame attempt to ease his nerves, I told him, "Salam," and waved hello. At that point the poor guy seemed really confused. He had an expression that screamed, why is there a naked blonde woman in my decorative pool? Should I really be staring at her?

I sat down, spread my legs and flashed my pussy at him with a coy smile. The Arab dude covered his mouth and looked over his shoulder. It was obvious from the way he shifted his eyes back and forth, from me to his shoulder, that he was having some sort of moral crisis. The poor guy took off running. Being super horny for having been nabbed, I took off after him. I wasn't about to let this one get away.

I grabbed his waist and kissed the back of his neck. He froze. I turned his face towards me and frenched him. Feeling like the cruel tease that I am, I walked back into the pool, pretending that nothing happened. The guy seemed outraged that I left him hanging. He ripped off his clothes and jumped in front of me with a splash. I giggle and so did he. I liked him.

We wrapped our arms around each other and in the next kiss, I sucked his tongue. I tweaked one his nipples and he jumped up rather surprised. I squeezed his muscular buns with the other hand. He kissed my shoulder in response. I was so fucking wet from the pursuit. I wanted nothing more than to have his straight brown cock deep inside me. I dry humped him, and lifted up my left leg around his hip, hoping that he would get the hint. He did.

He lifted me up by the ass, against the wall of the pool. The wonders of water. Even dudes who are shorter than me become big brutes thanks to the lower exhertion of gravity the human body. I wrapped my arms around the ledge and my legs around his waist. He spread my lips apart and stuck his cock in.

There is nothing more awesome in the universe to be fucked by a complete stranger, who is unable to speak my language, but is still able to it with gusto. He wasn't a speed demon my any means, but he moved himself in ondulating motions, almost synchronized with the splashing of the water. Needless to say, I was quite contented. I closed my eyes as the sun warmed my skin and the strangers hands explored my curves.

The smell of roses wafted through the breeze, as he blew his load inside me. I stared at him a little disappointed that he was done already. I couldn't blame him, but still... He slapped his forehead and rolled up his eyes. I pouted at him disappointed. He looked pretty sad too, until an idea popped in his head. He squeezed my ass and pointed at the ledge, as he flashed his pearly white teeth at me. I got the hint, and next thing I knew, he was licking my clit. I love it when a guy is willing to eat me out, after he jizzes inside me. That is totally hot shit. I totally live without cock with tongue like that. Though, cocks are very nice, thank you very much.

He held onto my thighs and chowed down. I forgot to shave, but I don't think he really cared with his beard and all. His tongue flickered around on my hot button and slid down to my slit. He spread my cunt apart to get a better look. I wished that I could've told him to stick his fingers inside.

A rustling noise from among the bushes distracted me. I squinted my eyes and saw a form behind the foliage. I sat up, waved at the form and yelled, "Salaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!" The Arab guy stopped and gasped as the figure leapt out of the bushes.

A woman with big honey eyes, carrying a rather large book, revealed herself to us. She was wearing a white hijab, mouth veil and the whole nine yards. She weepily called out to, "Umar." From her melancholy eye expression, it seemed like she was saying, how could you, you cheating bastard?

The Arab dude (whose name was apparently Umar,) jumped out of the pool, calling out, "Karida! Karida!" She covered the visible portion of her face and ran away from him. Umar chased her as fast as he could, buck-naked. At this point, I felt kind of bad about the situation. Umar caught up with Karida. The two were arguing in the way married couples argue when they are about to get a divorce. I really felt like a total shit at this point, so I walked over to them. I decided that helping out would be the decent thing to do.

The couple started shouting at me when I approached them. Both of them pointed at me, and Umar made a really rude hand gesture. I crossed my arms and shook my head at those two. All of the sudden this was all my fault. Umar fucked me too! Men are so annoying at times. I scrunched my face at them when I noticed something. A strong femine smell that didn't belong to me.

I took Karida's right hand and sniffed it. Husband and wife looked very confused. I smiled at Karida because I caught her red handed. Her pretty henna-dyed finger tips had obviously been messing around her cookie jar. I snagged her book and opened it up on a random page. Her eyes shook nervously as I raised a single eyebrow. I couldn't read the text at all, but her reaction to my quirked brow told me that she was reading something she wasn't supposed to -- something very dirty. Umar cocked his head at us.

I pulled Karida's mouth veil down and snogged with her for a few secords. She didn't struggle at all. I opened one of my eyes and noticed that Umar was totally pissed, but far too shocked to do anything other than stammer and point. I quickly removed her hijab. Her black braid was held by a lovely shell pin. I pulled it out. The long black braid reached past her tailbone. Umar protested quite loudly at my seduction of his wife. I turned to him and shut him up with another tongue kiss. Karida made a very happy noise. I signaled her to come closer. I made out with both of them.

I got bored with kissing, but they both seemed happy to continue. I dropped down and lifted Karida's dress. She had no underwear on. What a dirty woman she was (despite her excellent hygiene.) Umar had been very lucky to make such a good catch. She squealed when I stuck my finger inside her tight, tiny and soaking hole. I took her husband's fabulous uncircumcized cock into my mouth so he wouldn't feel left out.

To my dismay I felt some stomach cramps coming on. It must've been the greasy chicken I ate at a nasty looking inn during my stay in northern Spain. I don't like doing it when I am not feeling my absolute best, but I wanted to make sure that my two new fuck buddies would be okay on their own. I completely undressed Karida and sucked on her bobbly little tits until the nipples hardened. Umar whacked himself off, as I pleasured his gorgeous wife. By using a series of weird hand signals, I communicated to them that I wanted to watch. They got the message.

It was fun to watch, even if they stuck with whole missionary position thing. Those two sweaty hornballs were super-ethused so that made up for the lack of creativity. As my stomach pangs made me queasy, I felt like the two love birds needed some time to make up and fall in love again. So, I gathered my clothes, my stun gun. I looked at my time machine wristwatch-like thingy and set my coordinates back to the 21st century.

I felt kind of malicious so, I called out to Umar and Karida. They gazed upon me with lustful intentions. I pointed at myself and called myself "djinn", which I think means "genie" in their language. You should have seen them freak up when I started to dematerialize as I prepared for the journey back to my home away from home. I wonder what they were thinking when I finally disappeared. I'm sure that it must've been amusing.

Anyway, I am back in 2004, and I am about to brush my teeth and hit the showers. I got this mouthwash from Jason Organics that I'm really excited about trying out. I better find some antacid though. I don't want to disappoint Valentine when I go to the party tonight. See you guys this Sunday, Monday or whenever the hell I get back. The Phoebes loves you guys!

Find more stuff at SlaveButt.com!

2:42 AM - Monday, June 25, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Phoebe's Party Fun

9:06 AM - Sunday, February 25, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Phoebe's FAQ (This entry updated periodically)

I stupidly agreed to become an experimental biological time-machine. My body was reconfigured in such a way that I could teleport at will and carry anything or anyone I want with me. I wear a stupid fake watch that's actually fused to my skin and I use it to set dimensional coordinates so I can get to where I need to go, as well as any payload I wish to carry. I was a beta, so the technology isn't perfect. That's about it. I don't understand how it works, I just know it does.

If you want to be super-cute, find a way to set the date of your posts "accurately" to 200 years forward.
Actually, if I were 200 years forward right now, I would be using a paper-pc and a stylus. (It's thin like paper with a pencil that doesn't really write -- get it?) Microsoft went bankrupt during the embarassing Windows DP marketing fiasco and they were bought out by Kuan Yin Technologies whose preferred platform was Eunix 6.9. This incredible software ended up the market leader in the computer industry and for this reason, all computers from my time period are totally incompatible with yours. So, I have to travel back to the 21st to post here. Does that make sense?

Are you a pathological liar, a joke, a time traveler, a fictional character, a disgusting pervert, crazy, a hoax, a really nice lady, naturally blonde, a brilliant writer with poor proofreading skills, a crack team of Internet weirdoes?
Yes! And I'm pretty easy, although I am also very superficial.

Are you really Swedish?
Jag redan talat du så pass Jag var en bedragare. Jag er köpa duktig använda Intertran mycket väl. Jag er så Svensk så den Svenske Kokken inne om Muppet Show.

You have a doctorate and you travel through time. Did you inspire Dr. Who?
I would tell you, “Ask that %#@$ Anthony,” but alas, he is dead. I think I am, but the BBC laughed in my face and told me to sod off when I demanded royalties.

Are you for real?
The answer for that would be the opposite of, "Are you gullible?” I am completely fictional and I am damn proud of it. For all you know I could be a bored Japanese computer geek who gets punchy between IT assignments. Maybe, I’m some ugly chick who wants a good laugh after working at Walmart. Perhaps I’m a crossdresser who wants to see the world. There have been rumor that I’m a Latina exotic dancing bombshell who secretly fantasizes about being a retired mad scientist. Maybe I’m just married couple with nothing better to do. All you know about me is that I am a lover of words, extremely perverted and having buckets of fun. That's the beauty of fantasy. With that said, my feelings belong to a real person, as do my hopes and creative juices.

Were you modeled after a real person?
This question is much more reasonable. Yes I am. The real people I am based upon are nowhere near as wonderful as I am on text. That’s okay, no one can be. I’m still cute.

Tell us about your scary looking genital piercing. Does it get in the way during sex?
It is a Nefertiti with a 10 gauge, one inch, titanium curved barbell (I don't do plastics) with pearl-finish beads. I got it because it looked pretty, it feels good and I was curious. I may take it off when I eventually, but it works for me.

My piercing doesn't get in the way during sex. It moves out of the way with the rest of the bits to accommodate a cock or two.

Do you always wear fake fur kitty ears during sex?
Yes, but I sometimes hide them under a wig or other head covering to avoid offending my mates.

I hear that you are obsessed with good oral hygiene. Does that relate to your interest in oral sex?
Absolutely! I am obsessed with my mouth because I am obsessed with oral sex.

Are you a good cook?
No, but I am an excellent baker, especially when it involves chocolate.

What's the best way to contact you?
Please send hate mail, cybersex requests (try it, I'm easy) and other accolades by commenting on this blog.

What's the deal with Mrs. 'Crow?
I don't know. She's cool when she isn't being a bitch.

7:11 AM - Sunday, February 25, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

The Return of Phoebe Zillia Phrodos

10:45 PM - Saturday, February 24, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

My husband called me a dyke!!! AGAIN!!!

7:39 PM - Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment